Greenangel02457's Journals

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The Masochist by Jaden Jade Eye.

The Masochist

Ian Conneley walked out of social studies in the morning, going to fourth period, walking in a sea of people. He was disgusted seeing everyone with someone else, holding hands, groping butts, kissing, flirting. It disgusted him, it pained him, knowing he could not have the one person he would do that same thing to. She was gone, forever, there was only one way to comfort himself.

Ian dipped a pale hand into his sweater pocket and clicked the play button on his CD player, clicking to the last track, track twelve. It wasn't the song he wanted to listen to particularly, but he didn't feel like fastfowarding to the hidden track.

Ian sat down in Biology class, at the end of the lonely row, he was one of twenty students in the small class. Mrs. Vernon walked to the front and began the lecture about the different types of bacteria and viruses that exist, and how they pentetrate the blood cells. Ian wasn't listening. He had nothing to live for, but the pain. A pain of memory always hit him when he entered a classroom...

~~Flash Back~~

"Class, today we have a new student, her name is Amber Rowan, she comes to us from New York, say hello," Mrs. Leary said to her eighth grade social studies class. Ian Conneley sat in the back row, near the text book cases. He stretched his neck a bit to see Amber walk into the room. His mouth hung open upon seeing her. She was so beautiful.

She had long brown hair, and green beautiful eyes that held too much sorrow for one of her age. She was quite tall and thin as well. The class said hello and went around introducing themselves. Ian was last.

When it was his turn, he found it hard to speak, "I...uhm, I'm..."

"Ooh, Ian's got a crush!" one boy teased.

"Be quiet Mark," the teacher scolded. She turned to Amber, "Have a seat back there next to Mr. Ian Conneley. Ian, I suggest you take some more English classes."

Ian hid his face in his paper, he was blushing furiously. Amber sat down next to him and took out a note book and began to write. He couldn't help but to look at what she was writing.

"It's rude to read over someone's shoulder you know," Amber said.

"Oh...uh, uhm, sorry, sorry," he replied, still not totally finding his voice or internal dictionary. "Is that...poetry?"

"Songs," she said. "I write songs a lot, then again, songs are poetry, with repeating stanzas."

"Aye," he nodded. "I write a lot too. My name's Ian."

Amber smiled and looked at him, "I figured that much. You seem sweet."

"hehe," he grinned like an idiot. He felt his heart skip a beat when she had smiled at him, the compliment made him nearly die. He had to get to know her more! He leaned towards her and said, "W-would you like to lunch eat me with?"

Amber chuckled, "What?"

"I-I...jeebus, I'm screwing up big time," he buried his head in his hands. She laughed lightly and sweetly.

"I'll eat lunch you with," Amber chuckled. "I'd be glad to."

Ian grinned again. The bell rang and they went off to lunch. For them, lunch was not long enough, as they took the time to get to know each other much more. Luckily, they had the rest of their classes together. It wasn't long before they finally hooked up as a couple.

Those days of fantasy...

~~End flash back~~

Ian was alone in his row, he sat in the back, behind a full row of four kids. Ian took out the razor from his pocket just as the words began. He lightly said them to himself as he let the razorblade penetrate his skin:

"We held hands on the last night on earth. Our mouths filled with dust, we kissed in the fields and under trees, screaming like dogs, bleeding dark into the leaves..."

The blood flowed lightly, and gently, dripping to the floor that was stained with faint blood from before. Ian rubbed the blood over his other scars, leaving one large scar on his right wrist alone and uncovered.

"It was empty on the edge of town but we knew everyone floated along the bottom of the river. So we walked through the waste where the road curved into the sea and the shattered seasons lay, and the bitter smell of burning was on you like a disease. In our cancer of passion you said, 'Death is a midnight runner.'"

Ian cut again on his left arm this time, the blood flowed lightly as a mid-summer drizzle, including what little comfort it brang.

"The sky had come crashing down like the news of an intimate suicide. We picked up the shards and formed them into shapes of stars that wore like an antique wedding dress. The echoes of the past broke the hearts of the unborn as the ferris wheel silently slowed to a stop. The few insects skittered away in hopes of a better pastime. I kissed you at the apex of the maelstrom and asked if you would accompany me in a quick fall, but you made me realize that my ticket wasn't good for two. I rode alone."

Ian rested his forehead against the lab table, loosing himself in his cuts. He felt as though he were high, high on pain. What little pain he had anymore, the physical pain was so temporary. The sting didn't last long anymore. It was a drug.

~~Flash back~~

"Honestly, Ian you worry too much about me," Amber said with a forced smile.

"How can I not worry about you though?" he asked and hugged her. "I love you too much to let anything bad happen to you. I'm always going to worry about you, Amber. You're happiness is what makes me happy."

"But I'm so miserable most of the time," she said. "I don't want you to be too."

"Then be happy," he stated simply. He kissed her forehead and said, "You're the most beautiful person in the world, the sweetest and most caring. You deserve everything good the world has to offer."

"How can I be beautiful to anyone? Especially with these scars?" she pulled back her sweater sleeve and looked at her scars. Ian kissed each scar.

"You're beautiful despite the scars, you have a heart, Amber, that makes you beautiful," he said. Amber sighed and he kissed her cheek. "Please don't cut again, Amber. Please."

"I won't, Ian, I promise," Amber said as she let him hug her closely. She felt so safe.

~~End Flashback~~

"You said, 'The cinders are falling like snow.' There is poetry in despair..."

"Ian Conneley, is there something you would like to share with the class?" Mrs. Vernon asked. Ian looked up, his dark brown eyes showing no light.

"No."

"Then stop mumbling to yourself, unless you would like to share."

"This isn't a communist county," Ian said. "What I have to say may not always have to be heard, and what I want to be heard is ignored. I don't have to share anything that is my own."

"You straighten up your attitude, Mr. Conneley, or I'll send you to TOC." It was left at that. Ian didn't need to be found out. He pocketed his bloodied razor, and took out a blood stained kerchief and wiped away his blood. The bell rang, and he left.

Ian walked to his usual lunch spot at the corner of campus, he was alone again. He was always alone now after she left. He looked up to the clouded sky, hoping the rain would pour down and wash away everything he hated, wash away him.

It was a simple wish he had, forever denied to him. Ian took out his little notebook and wrote:

"In the time I have seen this earth, eighteen years to the week, and I have never known anything worse than this pain. I can't help it anymore, life should be over, but I can never end it. Why won't she let me die? Why won't she let me join her? "

Ian leaned against the wall, and thought. Then he took out his red pen and wrote his song:

"But in Time

I know things may be better. I know things can get radder. I know things may go our way. But in time, you'll see, soon you won't care for me. I'll walk alone once again, alone until the end. I know my dreams persist. I know there's scars on my wrists, sorrow only leaves by blood. If you knew, would you care? I fall apart because of this, I fall apart because of a simple wish. A Wish never to be granted. I dance alone, I ride alone, I died alone. You didn't care."

The bell rang again, and Ian left to Spanish class. A wind picked up and brushed his brown hair about, he walked inside and into his class and sat down in the back corner as Senora Juarez stood at the front waiting for the students to file in. Ian stared at the ceiling, lost in thought...

When he had her, he cherished her, but not enough. When he held her, he loved her, but not enough. When she laughed, he smiled, but not big enough. When she said "I love you", he replied, but not full enough. When she kissed him, he kissed back, but not with enough passion. When he held her the last time, she spoke the last time, he heard her words, and said "I will" but not with enough truth. Did she know?

"Antonio Conneley, wake up back there," Senora Juarez waved at him. She was quite young and knew how to speak to the kids. Antonio was his spanish name for the class, he never remembered it. He lifted his head forward, muttered a sorry in Spanish and the lesson continued.

Ian found he couldn't concentrate, he traced his scars, the fresh ones, not noticing anything around him.

A gasp brought him out of his trance.

"Antonio, what are all these scars from?" Senora Juarez asked. "Is your family going alright? Is there anything you need to talk about?"

"What?"

"These scars, Antonio, the scars," Senora Juarez pointed to them, a look of great concern in her face.

"The cat, blame the cat," Ian said. "It uses me like a scratching post when I'm sleeping. I could sleep through anything ."

"You should close your door and keep that cat out," she advised. "These look fresh."

"My parents don't like my door being closed," Ian said.

"Do they know about these scars?"

"No."

"You should tell them, perhaps they'll let you close your door," she said and handed him his homework from the day before and walking on. Ian merely looked at his perfect score before giving himself a paper cut. The sting lasted a while, but not long enough.

~~Flash back~~

Amber hissed painfully as she retracted her hand quickly from her bag. Ian looked at her immediately, and asked, "What's wrong?"

"I just gave myself a paper cut," she replied looking at her finger. He reached across the row and took her hand in his and looked at the small cut and thin line of blood forming.

"Does it hurt?"

"Painfully so."

He took her finger to his lips and lightly flicked his tongue out and licked away the blood and then kissed her finger, then grabbed a tissue and tore off a bit and wrapped it on her finger. "It'll be fine, Doctor Ian is on the case."

Amber laughed lightly. The teacher glared at them over her specs and said, "You two love birds better stop, or I'll send you to TOC."

They just rolled their eyes and went back to taking notes.

~~End Flashback~~

The lesson continued in conjugating verbs, and then practicing stem-changing verbs. Ending with playing a song that had some spanish in it, or was sung in Spanish. Today, the students were to bring in their own CD.

"Who's first?" Senora Juarez asked. "Antonio, do you have one?"

Ian nodded and gave Senora Juarez the black CD he was listening to earlier. Senora Juarez put it in the CD player.

"What track is it?"

"Two."

People looked at each other a moment, and then listened to the song.

"Don't waste your touch, you won't feel anything
Or were you sent to save me?
I've thought too much, you won't find anything...
Worthy of redeeming

Yo he estado aqui muchas veces antes y regreso

To... break down, and cease all feeling
Burn now, what once was breathing
Reach out, and you may take my heart away

Imperfect cry, and scream in ecstasy
So what befalls the flawless?
Look what I've built, it shines so beautifully
Now watch as it destroys me

Y regreso aqui otra vez y comienzo

To... break down, and cease all feeling
Burn now, what once was breathing
Reach out, and you may take my heart away

Break down, and cease all feeling
Burn now, what once was breathing
Reach out, and you may take my heart away

I left it all behind, and never said goodbye
I left it all behind, and never said goodbye
I left it all behind, and never said goodbye
I left it all to die

I saw its birth, I watched it grow
I felt it change me
I took the life, I ate it slow
Now it consumes me

I... break down, and cease all feeling
Burn now, what once was breathing
Reach out, and you may take my heart away

Break down, and cease all feeling
Burn now, what once was breathing
Reach out, and you may take my heart away
... Heart away"

By the end, people were saying, "I love that band! They're so awesome!"

"Yeah, afee is kick ass!"

"The lead singer is hot!" One girl commented.

"He's a fag!" A guy said. "He wears make up and crap. Anyone who listens to him willingly is a fag too."

By then, most guys were turning in their judgement and agreeing with the boy.

"Eduardo, that's not nice to say!" Senora Juarez said. "We're going to play it again, and I'll pause after the spanish part and you'll translate it."

"Are you kidding?" A girl whined. "We can't translate!"

"Yes you can!" Senora Juarez said with a smile. "Just try your best."

She played again and paused after "Yo he estado aqui muchas veces antes y regreso"

"Que habla?"

"I have been here many times before, and I return," Ian said.

"How do you know?" a girl asked. Ian rolled his eyes.

"He owns the stupid CD, of course he knows, the fag," 'Eduardo' said.

"Eduardo, go to TOC!" Senora Juarez nearly screeched.

"What'd I do?" he asked. "I didn't do anything."

"Go to TOC NOW!" Senora Juarez was no calmer.

"What'd I do?"

"GO!"

"okay!" 'Eduardo' grabbed his bag and walked out of the class.

"My god, Senora Juarez, you scared me," another girl sitting near the teacher said.

"Sorry, Sabrina," Senora Juarez said. "But I was not going to tolerate what he said in this classroom. Let's continue."

She paused it again after "Y regreso aqui otra vez y comienzo" and looked to the class.

"And I return again, and I begin," Ian said.

"Antonio, next time, let your classmates translate, please," Senora Juarez said. She took out the CD and gave it to Ian. "It's a good song, what's it called? Who is it by?"

"It's called 'Leaving Song Pt II', Davey Havok wrote it, Jade Puget wrote the music with help of Adam Carson and Hunter Burgan. They make up the band AFI, A Fire Inside," Ian said.

"They're not bad, didn't they do that 'Girls not Grey' song?"

"Yes, it's not their best song though."

"I think I'll buy one of their CDs."

"I recommend Black Sails or this one, Sing the Sorrow," Ian said.

"Miseria Cantare," Senora Juarez repeated the name in spanish and nodded before continuing with the rest of class.

~~Flash Back~~

Amber knew everything about AFI, and quite often wore their shirts and wristbands. She finally gave Ian a CD of theirs one day in Tenth Grade.

"What CD is this?" Ian asked taking the CD from Amber and putting it in his CD player.

"It's Art of Drowning," she informed him. She handed him another case with another CD in it. "This is Black Sails in the Sunset, two of their greatest albulms ever, in my opinion anyways. Listen to them, I'm sure you'll like them. Art of Drowning came out recently. It's great."

"Awesome," Ian said. "I'll listen to them in Algebra, I want to just be with you right now and listen to you."

"You're so good to me," she smiled as they just sat there holding each other.

Ian did listen to AFI as he said he would, and he too fell in love with the band, yet another common thing between the two.

~~End Flash Back~~

Ian left fifth period to sixth after the bell, heading across to the Z building, which was math.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Conneley," Mr. Schrandt said.

"eh," Ian barely muttered as he took his seat at a small round table near the projector. It wasn't until three seconds before the bell that everyone actually poured into the class.

Mr. Schrandt went about taking attendance. Ian sat alone at his table, listening to his AFI CD again. His hand in his pocket, his finger ran along the blade edge, drawing some blood.

"Alright, so if you have last night's homework, take it out and I'll come around and check it," Mr. Schrandt said taking out his grade book and pen. Ian took out his paper and put it on his table then got up and grabbed a tissue, cleaning the small bit of blood from his finger then took his seat again as Mr. Schrandt examined his work. "good work, Mr. Conneley, amazing, you even wrote a paper on your reasoning!"

Ian merely nodded. Mr. Schrandt walked on to the other tables, where people acted to be looking for the homework, only to really act to have lost it, take it out finish it and act like they found it. Mr Schrandt started the lesson, with only a few checks in his book.

The class ticked by slowly, Ian traced his scars again, loosing himself in memories of each scar. Each scar having the same root, from that night.

A tear fell on his scars, Ian realized he was crying from the memories. Ian put his face in his hands and sighed. It wasn't right. She shouldn't have done it.

"There are no flowers, no not this time
There'll be no angels gracing the lines
Just these stark words I find..." Ian softly sang. He sighed and grabbed his bag as the bell rang and Mr. Schrandt hurried about to give out homework, placing enough on each table.

"Uh, don't forget the homework, it generally works with what we were talking about today, the Pathagerium Theorum, and right angles. You can solve each using Trig or the Pathagerium Theorum. It's due tomorrow, you may have to turn it in!" by then everyone was gone. Ian was the last to leave.

++At Home++

Mrs. Conneley knew better than to ask Ian how his day at school went, she wouldn't get an answer. When Ian sat at the table, resting his head on the place mat, Mrs. Conneley set an orange in front of him. He took the orange and cut it in half and ate the meat of the sweet fruit as Mrs. Conneley went about making dinner.

Ian got up and walked up to his room and shut the door and logged on his computer. Immediately starting to talk to the only people that seemed to care. The people at the Church of Havok.

He had the alias "Mas Okiss", and had become quite popular. He chatted away over AIM, YIM and MSN for an hour then logged off and flung himself onto the bed.

Sleep never came easy to him, he didn't want to sleep anyways, he was flooded with nightmares of that Night. The Night. The Last Night.

"purrr," a black cat with green eyes jumped onto the bed and curled up near Ian. Ian petted the black soft fur.

"Hello, Amber," Ian said softly. "How is my little kitty today?"

"Reow," the cat meowed in response. Ian chuckled as the cat hopped on his chest and neslted beneath his chin.

"Just like Amber..." Ian mused. Ian closed his eyes, and he was flung back to a time he never wanted to let go of.

~~Flash Back~~

"Amber, did you know you have the most beautiful green eyes to ever look upon something?" Ian said as he kissed her neck lightly. Amber giggled a bit.

"You tell me that everyday, Ian," she said. He smiled into her neck.

"You should be told everyday," he said. "It's the truth."

"You spoil me."

"Aah, I don't spoil you enough, though," he said.

"Seriously, Ian, you give me too much," she said. "I don't know how I ever got to be with you. I don't know if I deserve you."

"Amber, don't say that. You are the greatest woman alive, and I don't think that I'm worthy of your good grace. You deserve every good thing there is in this world, and so much more. Heavens should bow to your beauty, and your grace. You are wonderful, and don't let anyone make you think otherwise." He turned her to face him. "It's been two years, and those two years have been wonderful, and I want it to continue forever, Amber. Our lives will be wonderful, even if we live in the dumps, I won't care because I'll have you with me. You make my day brighter than the sun, and you melt away my nights. You make me want to live each day to the fullest, you are my life, Amber. With out you, I'd be dead."

"Ian," Amber sighed. She hugged him tightly, "You're so wonderful Ian. I love you."

"I love you too, Amber," he said, stroking her hair.

~~End Flash Back~~

"Ian, dinner time! Hurry up and eat!" Mr. Conneley yelled banging on the door. Ian heard his father stomp down the hall in anticipation of Mrs. Conneley's wonderful cooking. Ian goaded his cat off of him gently before sitting up and stretching. He got up and saw something fall from his desk. He looked at the ground and picked it up. It was the razor he had taken from Amber one day, not to long before The Night.

~~Flash Back~~

"Amber, what is this?" Ian said picking up what had fallen out of her pocket. "Amber, you promised me that you would stop ."

"It's not what you think, Ian, I swear," Amber said. She reached out for the razor but he kept it from her. "Ian, give me the razor."

"No, you said you would stop, why would you have to carry it around if you stopped?" he asked, pain showing in his voice, mixed with a great amount of concern.

"I did stop, Ian, I just carry it around...just in case," Amber said.

"In case of what?"

"You wouldn't understand," she was starting to fight a few tears.

"Understand what? What wouldn't I understand? Amber, if you need to talk about something, you know you can always talk to me."

"No, I can't tell you." Amber left quickly, running away into the crowd at the small crowd of the Arts in the Park festival. Ian tried to follow her, but he lost her in the crowd. He sat down at the curb and cursed himself for overreacting. He looked at the blade a moment, with all hate to it, and then pocketed it and left.

~~End Flash Back~~

Ian put the blade back on his desk and went down for dinner. They were having potroast, but he didn't eat meat anymore and only took the gravy and potatoes. The table was quiet as usual, ever since The Night, Ian never talked at the table, and rarely spoke to his parents. He finished his first and only serving and headed back upstairs, Amber the cat following him.

Ian took the blade from the desk and closed his door, locking it. He sat on the bed, looking at the blade. There was dried blood on it, and it was quite dull now. He never gave it back to her...

The Masochist by Jaden Jade Eye pt 2

~~Flash Back~~

"Amber, we have to talk about this sometime," Ian finally caught Amber in the hall a week after the Arts In the Park incident. "I'm sorry if I hurt you, Amber, please don't shut me out. You know I coudln't be able to live with myself if you did. I want to help. I may not understand, but I'm not going to shun you for whatever reason it is. I love you too much, you know that."

"Ian," Amber wiped her eyes as she hugged him. "I'm sorry Ian, I'm sorry I carried it around. I was afraid, though, that at any moment, I might actually wake up from this dream. This wonderful dream. It seems too good to be true."

"It's not a dream, love, it IS true," he ran a hand up and down her back soothingly. "I won't ever drop you in an instant, you're to wonderful to let go. I'll never let you go. I love you too much to leave you, ever."

"I'm sorry I didn't trust," she sobbed.

"Sh, sh, it's okay, you have a painful past, I understand that," he said soothingly. "I don't hold it against you. You can trust me, Amber, you know that now. I love you more than my own life, it's a sin to the extreme of how much I love you."

"I love you, Ian," Amber replied. "So much more than can be imagined."

"Let's go out," Ian said. "Tonight, I'll take you to the park. I'll be around about seven thirty, is that okay?"

"It's perfect."

"You're perfect."

~~End Flash Back~~

Ian laid back upon the bed again, tears brimming his eyes. He loved it then, when he had her. Time was perfect, more perfect than anything in the world. He was with her, she with him.

"If only I knew..."

~~Flash back~~

"Amber, why do you cut yourself?" Ian asked as held Amber's hand and traced the scars.

"I haven't cut since I met you, Ian," she said.

"Why did you cut then?"

"Because, there was so much pain."

"But cutting only brings more pain, doesn't it?"

"Only physical pain, and it's something to think about, to take my mind off of the emotional pain in me."

"Who hurt you?" Ian asked, ready to kill anyone that hurt her. He loved her so.

"So many people," Amber said. "Just my life, it was horrible."

"It won't be horrible anymore," Ian said. "I won't let anyone hurt you. And if I hurt you, by god, I'll kill myself."

"Don't leave me," Amber said.

"I will never," Ian said hugging Amber lovingly. "I love you, Amber."

"I love you too, Ian," Amber smiled. "My life is so much better with you in it."

"My life began when you stepped in the classroom," Ian said. "There's no way I'll ever let you go."

They stood in the park hugging each other for a while. Then the sunset and a cool wind blew by. Amber shivered and Ian let her wear his coat.

"We should get home, it's going to be cold tonight," Ian said. He held Amber's hand as they walked to the bus stop. Amber looked out in the road, and saw a cat. She stopped Ian.

"Look, Ian," she pointed to the small kitten. "There's a cat in the road. It doesn't seem to be moving."

"I'll go check it out, stay here," Ian said looking both ways across the street and stood in the street lamp light he looked down at the kitten. "It seems alright!"

Just then a plane flew over head, they were near the airport, so they could hear the loud sounds and vibrations of the fans. Amber looked up the street and saw a pair of headlights.

"IAN GET OUT OF THE ROAD!" she yelled, but the sound of the plane drowned her yells. Ian merely bent down and picked up the motionless kitten. Amber wanted to cry, but she flung her self out and pushed Ian out of the way just as the car sped past, she hit the windshield and went over the car. The car didn't stop but kept going.

Ian yelled in distress, "AMBER!"

He ran to her, kitten still in hand, he set it down near her and held his love in his arms. He could feel the sting of tears in his eyes. Amber had blood running from various head wounds and her body was broken in at least three different places, one on the back. She was barely hanging on.

Ian brushed bloodied hair from her face took out a kerchief that she had bought him a few hours before and wiped away the blood on her face. "Amber, Amber, I'm here, Amber, don't worry, I'll get help, we're going to get you better."

"I-Ian..." Amber opened her eyes partially.

"Sssh, sh," Ian sobbed. "Don't speak, save your energy..."

"Ian, don't leave me," Amber barely whispered.

"I'll never let you go."

"Yes..."

"What?"

"Keep living, Ian, please," she whispered softly. "For me."

"No, I can't, not without you, Amber," he sobbed, tears coursing down his cheeks. Amber bled her tears. "I love you, I can't let you go."

"I love you," Amber whispered, a sob choking her. "Li--"

"Amber..." Ian sobbed as he felt the love of his life go limp. "Amber! Amber, no, come back, Amber, please. Please, come back..."

Ian sat there in the middle of the road, rocking back and forth, crying and holding Amber's lifeless body in his trembling arms.

"Reow," the kitten moved finally. Ian looked down at it as the kitten got unsteadily to its paws. The kitten licked its paws a bit and wiped its face then turned to look at the crying boy. He gasped at the large green eyes of the black little kitten, just like Amber's eyes. The kitten walked slowly up to him and rubbed against his thigh.

Ian reached a hand down and picked up the small kitten, and hugged it close. He whispered, "I'll never let you go, Amber ."

The kitten nuzzled his chin and curled up in his hand.

"Are you alright?!" a man yelled. Ian looked up, he was so cold, it must have been an hour or two since she left him. " It's freezing outside, get in, and bring your friend! I'll take you to a church or something."

"A church...only there to bury her." Ian said coldly.

"What?"

Ian moved a bit, letting the street lamp shine on his dead girlfriend. "She's dead, she got hit by a car...I couldn't get help..."

"Jesus!" the man cursed. "Let me help you."

Ian didn't say anything as the man stepped into the light. He was tall and pale with long black hair and a lip piercing. He had some make up on, but it only made him look better than like a homosexual. He got the girl in his arms and placed her in the back.

"I'll take you to a hospital," he said.

"No, take us to the St. Jude Cathedral, please," Ian replied silently.

"Was she someone special?" the man asked. Anyone wanting to get to a Church instead must've valued their dead greatly.

"She was my soulmate," Ian said petting the kitten in his hand. His tone showed that he didn't want to talk about it now.

"I'm sorry," the man said sympathetically, not a forced sympathy out of nothing to say, but his tone showed that he had not gone through his life without the same pain. "May I ask, just how she died?"

"A car..." Ian said. "There was a plane passing by, so it was loud, I couldn't hear her if she said for me to get out of the way, the light from the street lamp drowned the car's headlights, and my head was lowered looking at the seemingly lifeless form of this kitten. She ran and pushed me out of the way." Ian sobbed. The man put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"It's alright," he said. "I know how it feels, I really do. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

Ian nodded.

"Is that the cat?"

Ian nodded again.

"It's cute," the man said. The man drove off down the street. "This street is hardly used, I don't blame you for not getting help." He took a turn and slowed down a bit as they approached the large cathedral. "Here you go, I'll help."

The man got out of the car and opened the back doors and carried Amber's lifeless form up the steps. Ian knocked on the large doors, a Priest answered.

"May I help you?" the Priest asked kindly, but eying the man holding Amber suspiciously.

"We need to use the phone," the man said. "She's...she's most likely dead, but we have to call an ambulance."

"Why didn't you just drive to a hospital?" the priest asked.

"I want you to bless her, in the place she felt safest," Ian answered. "Are you going to deny us a blessing and sanctity? "

"No, no, young sir, come in, all of you," the priest stepped aside, holding the door open. Ian let the man walked through first and followed. The Priest showed them a place to lay Amber's body and led the Man to a phone.

Ian stayed near his love's dead body, petting his new kitten. The tears had started again, they plopped on the cat's head. She looked up and swiped at the other tears coming down. Ian chuckled lightly at the small kitten's antics. "Do you not like tears, Little Amber?"

"Reow," was the only response.

"I'm sorry for your loss," the man walked back in. "The Ambulance will be here soon, they were kinda pissed off that we didn't take her to the hospital."

"She would've wanted this."

"You really loved her, didn't you?"

"I really love her, still. More than my life. I want to die."

"Don't die," the man said. "I don't think that's what she would've wanted."

"I would be dead right now if she hadn't told me to live on!" he sobbed and wiped his eyes. Little Amber purred and rubbed her head against Ian's trembling arm.

"I know what you're feeling, I really do," the man said again. "I'm really sorry for your loss, it's a tough blow in life. But you have to keep living, for her memory's sake."

"How can I live, when my life is dead?"

"You have to continue on, maybe you'll meet someone else, a love not as strong, but at least it's a love," he said.

"Did you meet someone else?"

"Not yet," the man said. "But I dwelled for too long on my old lover, I missed many potential ones to have given me some joy in the least."

"I will never find another, my heart will be buried with Amber Rowan," Ian said. Just then the Priest came in.

"The loss of a love is indeed a great sorrow, my boy," he said. "You must continue to live, for God's love is still upon you."

Ian got up and walked over to the lifeless body once his joy and life. He caressed her cold cheek with a trembling hand, tears began to flow again. He leaned over and hugged the lifeless body to him and cried.

The medics rushed in the room just then, having been let in by another brother in the church.

"Sir, please step away from the body, we have to take it out," one medic said. Ian shook his head.

"I can't let her go," he sobbed. "I can never let her go."

"Father, do something, please," the medic said.

"Son, be at peace, and let her go," the priest said. "Remember that God still loves you."

"Shut up about god," Ian spat. "If god existed, he wouldn't have taken Amber from me. If god existed, Amber would have had a better life than what she had. If god existed, Amber and I would live together forever! Curse your god!"

"Do not speak that way in a house of God!" the Priest yelled. Ian did not move.

"Sir, can you help?" the medic asked the Man. He walked over to Ian and rested a hand on his back.

"What is your name?"

"What does it matter? My life's over."

"It does matter," he said. "You have to live on, you told me that she told you to live. You should live, and let them take her body away. Her soul is still with you. Or did you fall in love with her body and not her soul?"

"I love her, soul, spirit and mind and heart..."

"Let the body go, the girl you love is in your heart still, cherish the memories, cherish the soul, the heart, the mind, the spirit, still."

Ian looked up and nodded and stood up and away. "I'm always going to miss her."

"I know," the Man said. "I know, it's a loss that'll never really be let go. But you have to live on."

"My name's Ian."

The Man smiled, "I'm Davey."

~~End Flash Back~~

Davey was right, it was a loss he would never really get over. He had the scars to prove it.

Ian ran his hand up his arm, pausing at the largest scar on his right wrist. It was his first one, it was the one he did in her memory, and always re-opened until the scar would not fade after a few months and was there to last. Ian looked at the blade he'd taken from his soul mate again.

~~Flash Back~~

Ian hadn't left his room in days after The Night. He couldn't bare to live without her. It was too painful. Ian searched around his room for a way to end his pain, end his heartbrake and then he found it. The blade he had taken from Amber, the blade he never returned. It was blood stained and still sharp.

"An outlet," he muttered. "A way to take my mind off of my emotional pain...Amber, I'm sorry..."

He took the blade and slit it across his right wrist, slitting three more times, the were so close that the slit one last time, across all of them, and they became one. The blood poured profusely. The pain was sickly pleasurable as well. That was the first time he cut himself. It would not be the last.

In the following nights, he cut himself, always re-opening his first four scars. In a matter of weeks, he had managed to give himself fifty scars on his arms, not including his first four. He re-opened a lot of them, wanting to make lasting scars. After a while, he started cutting his stomach. He realized that scars didn't last long on his stomach, and so he cut deep and long, and re-opened many. By a few months, he had ten scars on his stomach. He made a clutter of five scars on his chest in a few months after. By the middle of his junior year, Ian was cutting himself during class. He carved "Amber" into his chest, above his heart, and "AFI" on his shoulder.

The scars only increased in number as his sorrow only grew.

~~End Flash Back~~

Ian opened his eyes, it was night time now, the stars were out and Amber lay curled up on the pillow, purring as she slept soundly. Ian got up and walked over to his window.

"I love you Amber," he whispered. The wind blew softly, carrying whispers.

"I love you, too," it whispered, from the twigs of the huge rowan tree next to his window. Ian turned on his AFI music, playing Morning Star as he looked at the stars.

"I saw a star beneath the stairs, glowing through the melting wall...who will be the first to begin their fall? Or will we become one?" he sang lightly with it.

"Live," the wind whispered silently. Ian sighed.

"I can't live, I can't, not without you," he sobbed. "I'm so sorry Amber, I just can't live, it's impossible. When you left, you took my heart...I'm a shell, I'm soulless, I need you."

Ian got up and flopped on his bed and cried. He had no shame in his tears as he cried.

"I want to be with you Amber," he sobbed. Amber the cat walked up to him and purred. Then jumped to the window, and jumped out. Ian shot up, "Amber don't!"

He looked out the window to see a ghost of a cat leave, disappearing in the street lamp's light.

"Amber...? Now I lost both of them," he sobbed as he went to his bed again and curled up.

"Ian, Ian, please look at me," Amber begged. Ian looked up to see Amber standing next to his bed.

"Amber! How, I thought, Amber, you're here, now, God, I love you," he said as he hugged Amber.

"I love you too Ian, more than life," Amber whispered. "Come with me."

"Of course," Ian said and took her hand and they walked to the window. Amber stepped on the sill. "Be careful, Amber!"

"Come with me," Amber said. He stepped up next to Amber. "Will you fall with me?"

"I'll go anywhere with you," he said and hugged Amber. The fell over the edge, never hitting a bottom, but floating away into eternity, where they would live forever with each other.

"I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Conneley, his fever was so high during the night, he didn't realize what he was doing," the Doctor said. "His neck broken, his head split, his back is broken and his arms and legs aren't something to look at."

"What happened though?" Mrs. Conneley sobbed. "He was fine at dinner, he didn't look sick at all."

"I can't explain it, Mrs. Conneley," the doctor shook his head. "I have no idea what could have possibly happened."

~~A few weeks later~~

There was a stranger at the funeral for Ian Conneley. He stayed near the back of the crowd, wearing all black wasn't out of ordinary this time, his face was pale, and he had long black straight hair. He had a lip piercing, and a thin, handsome face, even though he wore make up.

When the mourners were preparing to leave after the casket had been lowered, the man met the Conneley family.

"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Conneley," he said.

"Hello, who are you?" Mr. Conneley said.

"My name's Davey," he said kindly. "I knew Ian from about three years ago. I had helped him get Amber to St. Jude's Cathedral that fateful night. I think I know why your son died."

"A fever, unexplainable, you can't explain," Mr. Conneley said.

"I can," Davey said. "Your son was in love with Amber Rowan. He loved her so much that when she died, he became hollow. He continued living for three years, but his sorrow was so great that it finally gave him hallucinations, a fever perhaps. He was probably visited by Amber in a hallucination from the fever, and he left with her. His love for her was so strong, he couldn't bare it, and she couldn't bare to be without him."

"Can you explain the cuts on his arms?" Mr. Conneley asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" Davey asked. "When someone is in so much sorrow, they cut themselves, or put some type of pain on themselves. Did he keep a journal of writings, or drawings perhaps?"

"Yes," Mrs. Conneley reached in her purse and took out the old worn, black book. "He took it every where with him."

Davey opened the book and skimmed through it, and nodded, he gave it back to them. "It's all in there. It'll all be explained."

Davey then left the funeral. He paused a moment as he felt the cool wind move the Rowan and Ash trees. And ash twig broke off and flew towards Davey. Davey caught it and smirked. Singing softly he left, "From above a rain of ashes descends..."

The End

a soy lie ...

My grandmother says that my glycoma was cawsed by eating vegan food!!!Just a nother one of her lies i sapose ...when ever i do somthing she doesent like she will tell a lie insted of just saying she doesent like it ...... its normaly about going out with my friends or going to concerts .....last year i wanted to go to an AFI concert it was the feb 5th concert ...any way she told me that Davey Havok the lead singer of AFI mooned the crowed at on of their concerts and the parents of the kids that were there got verry upset about this and the concert was canceled ...i knew she was lieng ... so i asked for the tikits for my B-day which was jan 15th she got me a freaking DVD that ive never heard of .... any way i was listining to my radio ant The Fish annonced that they would be holding a contest to win meet & greet tikits to the concert i was stoked i was giong to this concert ...any way the night came the night of the contest i called in with my grandmother sitting right beside me to accept the prize if i won but was the 3rd caller so i quickly called again hoping luck was in my favor ... i was the lucky 9th caller .....i quickly handed my grandmother the phone she put it to her ear .....then ..hung up ....she said that we wernt the 9th called and we had lost ....but... i herd them say it.. i knew i had won...any way the night of the concert came around i didnt go to school that day insted i stayed home put in my AFI CDs... locked my self in my room and screamed in to a pillow untill the time of the concert at witch piont i cried .... i hate my life ....now my grand mother has to have some type of surgery on her back she cant work and so far ive been tacking car of her i havent been out with my friends in months and i do evry thing in my house ... like cleaning and cooking .....im saving up to buy my own tickits to an AFI concert some time next year ....i sapose .....i hope i get to see them live ...

forever hopefull

<3 XXX
AXA

im going blind !!!!!!!!! .....

I cant believe it... I have glicoma .....that means some thing is putting pressure on my retina ... which explains my hedaches ..... eventually ill go blind ..... but they don't know how bad it is yet ....i went to the dentist today as well ....more bad news i have to have a part of my jaw removed so my teeth can be fixed.. i had one tooth taken out today ... im glad its gone ... my grand mother went to the doc as well & that brought more bad news....she has to have surgury on her back .....today has not been a good day....every one in my family is really depressed now .....what elts can go wrong?????

x-fest

Well X-fest is coming up soon and my grandmother screwed that up this has to be 7th or 8th concert i cant go to because of somthing she did ...we were supose to go to some family thing today but we didn`t so im here writing this ....i`ve decided i`m going to try to model over the summer ...also i`m getting my drivers perment this summer....oh yea i found out why i cant spell i have dislexia ...go figure ...i might be getting braces here soon ....& im having my room remodeled & painted monaco blue thats goind to be fun i gess ...schools almost out yay ....you guys love me right????

XXX

a headach

Hi all , its been awhile sence i`ve written a new blog but lately ive been getting horible headeachs why? i dont know you tell me .....any way i finally got that new cam ive been wanting !!!! many new pics to come , i skipped school to day like i sayed before ive been feeling like crud here latly i thik im getting sick ......and again ill admit i have a priblem with buying things i dont need!!! oh well ill suffer through my shopping illness could do with out the headachs though,.... i gess its just strees if i dont get out of this house im going to go nuts im tired of looking at walls all day its like prison here HELP!! welll ive really gotr nothing more to write about so ill end things here its not you its me im sorry things just arent working out

<3 xxx

AXA

i got bord!! ( :

ok my peoples chels came home so im not so alone! Friday we are goinng to the mall but you dont really care about that right?Any way were going to Hot Topic for the BLAQK AUIDIO listenning event. The first 15 people to show up at each event will receive a free specal BLAQ AUDIO pin so we will be ther early ( : Then chels is going to stay over for the night.School starts in less than a week ) : summer goes by to fast!! Oh well , I sereously have nothing to wright im just bord :P no one even raeds this ........i think.. 0.o. I dont really care i just wright blogs when im bord so most of them are really bad like this one ( ; its just my little way of torchering every person unfortunet enof to read this. As soon as i get some vids from my cam ill post them and again this is going no where so ill stop now! bye my peoples

Ariel

im all alone

yea im all alone! Well at least for a nother week till my best friend chells gets home from vacation. Any way im obsesed with taking pics of me and my friends along with that new song unbrella i cant get that song out of my head ! But thats not the piont im trying to make you will see a lot of blogs on my page caws i love to post blogs and i love when people coment them! god damn that song its still ln my head !!!!! GRRRRR!! I love to do my own make up but my friends also like to mess it up so i just dont try to keep it on tho i love to do my macke up i dont where mutch. WHY do i keep getting off track? Im getting distracted!! I sweare if i were tied to a tree around the stomach i would not have enof concentration to untie the not!! I`d bee stuck for DAYS on end!! Hope some one will rescue me! (: See im distracted again! ill try and finish this when i can get to the point.Oh God ill never finish Ok This Is Going NO Where Im Done Now ! BYE !